Fluffy Trinity

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When Sunrise Comes

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Disclaimer: I don’t own Moonchild movie or characters and actors from this movie. No harm intended, no profit made.

Warnings: YAOI, of course ;)

A/N: Things that happened before Shou became a vampire… from Shou’s point of view. Don't expect  many things happening in this first chapter, this is mainly about Shou's feelings.

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Part I. Life to Death

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I’ve never in all my human life wanted to be a vampire.

Well, that’s obviously a lie – as all human beings, I sometimes thought “It would be great to be immortal,” or “How would it feel, to have all the time in this world for whatever I want to do?” Every single person on this little planet has thought about it, at least once, at least faintly wondered if there was a way to make one’s life neverending.

I told Kei, once. I was ten and he was… god only knows. I guess he was twenty and he was thousand at the same time – his eyes always looked immortal. Not in that bad-horror-movie immortal way, not bloodshot, not wit pupils so dilated that the white of his eye was invisible. No – Kei’s eyes were always normal, as far as that word goes. It was just time they took to look at everything, even to avert their gaze from things. As if he wanted to remember every second – or just took his time analyzing everything around.

“I’d like to know how it feels to be immortal,” I told him – not really asked, since I didn’t expect an answer. There were days when Kei just wouldn’t speak no matter what and that day seemed to be one of those… but his dark, normal eyes just slowly slipped from the window – it rained that day heavily – and drowned in my own stare. And he smiled – I can see it clearly even now – smiled his kindest, saddest smile, words leaving his lips as sluggishly as his look drifted across the room.

“I’ve lived only decades of my own eternity, and it’s longer than you’d want, Shou.”

I didn’t understand then – what could be more wonderful than not having to worry about death? was what I thought – and I don’t claim to understand now… I’m only remembering this for comparison, to reason why I was so surprised when I found myself on a bed that certainly could have been more comfortable, blinking at the walls around me I didn’t recognize, and placing a hand on my stomach only to find it whole, healed and without a trace of scar.

The most curious thing about that particular waking up was the calendar.

It was one day after I died.

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The only thing that drew him to me was my lack of fear. One could say I was reckless, foolish, even – when a prey sees its hunter, it runs. I stood there, pretty much aware of the fact that after the man he just killed, I could be a dessert.

But I would hardly describe it as bravery – something in Kei’s eyes told me that he won’t hurt me, and that was what drew me to him (if I don’t count the first sight of his silver watch and ring, of course). Not being hurt by someone - that was more than I could wish for in that city full of murderers, thieves and other deviants. I was one of them, after all.

I really don’t know what forced Kei to stay with me for so long after our encounter. He practically raised me, but never tried to be a parent to me and now, after all I’ve lived through, I think his reason was that lack of fear I always possessed. I wanted someone I didn’t have to fear, and he wanted someone who wouldn’t fear him – and thus, we were a perfect duo. None of my brothers ever managed to fully trust Kei – of course they never spoke about it, but now and then I could see, or more than that sense the tiny sparkle of fear in their eyes, wherever they saw Kei feed.

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I don’t even know when it was that I started loving him. Maybe I always did and only needed to realize. Maybe it was then, when he was on another of his rebellion let’s-starve-to-death crusades. He never really accomplished anything by it, but it didn’t prevent him from doing that from time to time. He behaved like a woman in PMS during those diets, nervous, too self-conscious and edgy all the time – and he almost killed me (not literally, of course) when I mentioned it to him once.

That time wasn’t too different – as usual, he brought up the issue of his immortality. But somehow his words dawned on me at full force and I wasn’t able to keep my cool as I usually did. Hearing him speak of my death and seeing him suffer, to that I was getting used, slowly. But then, when I saw him so helpless and sorry, his eyes full of emotions and suddenly not so slow in their nervous sideways glances, I realized how small he’d become over last years, how skinny, seemingly fragile, how very pale he looked in that artificial light.

I cried then, sobbing silently and making him come to my side and pat my head reassuringly, just as he did when I was just a brat. It was him now, the shorter and smaller one, but still, my tears were the ones that needed to be dried by his long fingers, his sad smile telling me to stop. I felt Kei’s breath in my hair and I leaned forward to rest my head on his chest, covered in a flashy shirt – was it me who defined his style in clothing, or did I like the same style because I grew up by his side?

At that very moment, I didn’t want to leave his side even for a second. Maybe he had eternity and maybe he would live for another millennium or two, but I won’t – that’s what I told myself as I clung to almost cool fabric of his shirt. He patted me once more, telling me not to waste my life indoors and sent me off to celebrate something; I can’t even remember what it was.

It seems I forgot a lot of things… important ones, insignificant ones, the ones I once cherished. Nothing seems worth remembering now, but some things just pop up in my head.

Like her.

Yi-Che was just a random girl we met on another of our countless adventures, too shy, not talking, not even smiling. She wasn’t even pretty enough to be interesting.

And she loved him, too, I know it. I knew it when I married her after Kei had gone, when I made love to her and when she first smiled at me, with our newborn daughter in her arms; I knew the bond between us wasn't love for each other. It was love for Kei, love that each of us held secretly in deepest levels of our heart, hidden from the world. I never learned what Yi-Che thought about my reasons for being with her: I doubt she believed I loved her. I also don't think she cared - it was Kei she wanted and couldn't have, so after a long struggle to be happy, she settled for me instead. Maybe it was even our shared secret passion for the vampire that made us get along so well - the understanding of unattainable that joined us.

I didn’t marry her because I loved her or because I needed to get married soon. I don’t really know what had gotten to me then... maybe I wanted to comfort myself, convince my own stubborn mind that I didn’t need Kei, that I could very well live without him. Kei was an earthquake that shook through my life only with being present and I wanted to make my life solid, stable for once. Yi-Che was a good foundation stone for just that. I convinced myself it was for the best, I even convinced her.

Well, I couldn’t make it come true – miracles don’t happen in this life.

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When I saw him there with my daughter, the very child that was born with him in my mind - and Yi-Che's as well, no doubt - I almost cried. It was as if those long years of separation never happened and he was just there, wild, smirking and licking his lips, leering at me provocatively and yet far too innocently to be really depraved. It was as if I was capable of being the good ol' Shou once more, the one without grudges, mortal enemies and a kid from woman he never loved. 

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I dragged him to the hospital and told him to hold her hand. Not that I really wanted him to, mind you. It was just that uncontrollable, nagging feeling of guilt deep inside me that made me, because I somehow felt responsible for her current state, for her being a living corpse instead of the girl she had once been. She could have been, if it wasn’t for me. It was me who gave her the life she wasn't able to withstand, and I was never able to support her with my love, not once. She understood, I repeated silently and I know she did... but nevertheless, the guilt remained and Kei's hand on her cold fingers felt like I was making it up to her, paying off a nonexistent debt, if only a little.

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I'm glad Kei was always the rational one. Well, seeing the state in which I'm now, not always... but most of the time, when I needed someone to tell me that my idea was just load of crap. Like at that time, when I asked Kei to turn Yi-Che into a vampire. I was sincere about it, I thought it was a good idea then, because something gave me the sick idea that if Yi-Che were to be a vampire, she wouldn't die, she would be able to be with Kei, at least for a while, and my consciousness wouldn't be killing me with guilt. And yet I feared nothing more than that he would say "Yes."

He didn't, of course; instead, he glared at me with that fuck-off look of his and told me that he was a monster, that he could not do it to that girl. His eyes were full of pain and I hated it, hated the idea of his sadness belonging to Yi-Che even for a second, hated his pity for her, even if no one in my narrow world deserved pity more than poor little Yi-Che, dying after her short life of being confined to a man who loved the very guy that held her heart too. 

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I convinced myself that it was not me who should atone, and that I needed to kill someone out of pure rage that ran through my body. I pushed a gun into Kei's hand as he sat on the couch and sang his sad song about dawn. He looked so utterly helpless that I could barely stand straight. His deep, dark eyes were filled with "save me" and "tell me what to do" and though he never spoke it aloud, I knew he needed guidance, because there wasn't any goal in his life and there was no point in his death, so he entrusted me with both and hoped I will find a direction to take.

I tried.

And I failed us both.

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When I died, I didn't feel any regrets. I didn't feel the need to stay in this world any longer - I selfishly couldn't bear the thought of forever beautiful, forever young Kei seeing me wither, go bald and senile. I wanted to be as forever young in his memories as he was in mine, from that first day I found him, without a purpose in life and as in need of guidance as that day before we set out to kill Chan. I honestly didn't even think about begging him to become a vampire - even as I lay on the ground, bleeding and panting, it never occurred to me that I would like to be a vampire. I never wanted eternity - somewhere deep underneath the love I had for Kei, under all that self-pity and guilt, I wanted to die. Not because I didn't have purpose in life... it was some screwed-up kind of revenge against Kei, against those years he left me alone to watch all the people around me die. I wanted to be the one to die now - not the last one, not the one who remains behind to bury all. I was content to die in Kei's arms when he gathered me up from the dirt and held me close to his chest with bleeding holes from gunshots. Not that he avoided touching me before, but I never felt so close, so intimate with him as those few seconds, when I felt my death was near.

In those few seconds, my whole life should have been displayed in front of me as some kind of sick horror movie, but instead, I saw Kei. Not the one holding me close and calling my name, repeating "Don't die, you must not die," as some weird chant. I saw the Kei as I've seen him when I first met him, when he killed the man who was after me and my brothers and he looked up, lips covered in blood, dark eyes hungry and so very ALIVE, his long, golden hair making him a princess, a strange, twisted princess from my dreams. Well, I was never a knight in shining armor, either... that was my last thought as I reached to touch those golden sunrays in his hair once again, only to find nothing under my touch and then, it was only darkness.