Fluffy Trinity

Yesterday, Mom said she wanted some photos of me, and I was dressed a bit crazy again, so I was in a crazy mood (grinning and dancing around XD) and I agreed, doing some weird poses so Mom will have fun while looking at the photos. This is the one I like most, and it's called "Loving the Peach tree" - when I was standing next to the tree, I just got a feeling to kiss the leaf. I'm not a narcissist, heh... but I like this photo a lot, which is rare while I'm on the picture XD so I'm posting it here so you can have a bit of fun too.

Tonight, I had a REALLY weird dream, but it's about Gacktjob, so I'll share the weirdness XD I was Masa in the dream, but the whole dream was about Chacha. At first, it was Chacha/Gackt - I, as Masa (I'll write only "I" from now on, it still means Masa, ok?) thought that Chacha loved Gakku a bit more than Gakku loved Chacha. And then, Chacha suddenly left to pursue a solo career and Gakku took it as betrayal on Chacha's part. Tere were lots of newspaper with Chacha's photos and info about him - he also changed looks, he had black hair cut unevenly around his face, it was more Miyavi style, but he looked cool in that hairstyle... rocker or so XD And in the dream, I could read kanji... aww... I want XD but back to the dream. There was Gakku's birthday party with all his friends and Chacha was invited too, although Gackt didn't talk to him much, still looking hurt that Chacha left. Chacha was hurt too, because he still loved Gackt. And I loved Chacha (weird triangle, isn't it XD), but never told him, because he was with Gakku. However, now, on this party, Chacha got drunk a lot and came to me, looking hurt, so I comforted him, I remember caressing his face as if he was my pet, but it felt so nice *^^* Then, Chacha went away for a while and You-chan came to me, asking if I knew that nothing good will come out of this - he somehow knew about my feelings for Chacha. I assured him that I knew and I wouldn't do anything, but I still ended up in bed with Chacha eventually. I remember only that we stared in each other's eyes the whole time and didn't kiss even once, it felt as if he was afraid to close his eyes because he'd see Gackt instead of me, so he stared at me helplessly and his eyes gleamed in the dark.

Then, it became really sad - although I felt the ache inside me for the whole time because of unrequited love (or at least I think so ^^;). We were called to the hospital some weeks later and there was Chacha on the bed, sleeping feverishly, his skin too pale and sweaty to be healthy and his hand cold when I touched it. Gackt turned on his heels and left, I knew he didn't want to see his ex-lover like that but still I thought it wasn't very nice of him. I just stared at Chacha and couldn't believe it for a moment - I was never good with foreign words, so I didn't understand what was with him when a doctor told us - but when the doctor left, I asked You-chan if Chacha would be alright. I remember looking at You and saying in a pleading voice: "He'll be okay, won't he?" and You-chan looked at me, hurt in his eyes, for a moment, then averted his gaze to the ground and whispered: "I think people die of this."

And damn, he was right. I remember a sentence "And suddenly, his jar was gone." as a beginning of the next scene, sun setting over the old Japanese city. Not absolutely ancient, with paper walls and so, just not too modern. The meaning of that sentence I learned later - Chacha, while he was still with Gacktjob, had a big glass jar painted colorfully with an opening on the lid, where he and his friends from Gacktjob were supposed to put pieces of papers in. Chacha believed (in my dream, of course XD I doubt he does it in reality, but I somehow liked the idea) that when something bad happens to you, if you write it on a paper and put it in that jar, there will come a good compensation for what saddened you in the past. He said it worked and all Gacktjob members used it from time to time, but didn't really believe in that - it was just Chacha's private belief. (the papers weren't read by anyone, so you could write freely what happened).
And that sentence in the beginning, that the jar was gone, then continued something like "We returned it to him, and even if he was the only one who really believed in it, we all suddenly hoped that the colorful glass will compensate all his unhappiness for those last weeks. It was our only hope, so we clung to that belief, me, who used the jar twice in my whole life only to make Chacha happy, and Juken, who openly laughed every time Chacha was persuading him to use it - Chacha got so angry at him then... and Gakku, who didn't really talk to him since he left us." I felt very sad and lost, and then, there was funeral and all Gacktjob members (they were the only ones on the funeral, and the security guys were just two) held the reporters back, because they wanted to interview Gackt and take pictures of him. I stood behind Gackt, because he broke down completely and fell to his knees on Chacha's fresh grave, digging his fingers into the dirt, digging a bit as if he wanted to take Chacha out, and he cried, sobbing loudly, and when I kneeled next to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders comfortingly, I saw his face and it was one of the most terrible sights in my life. Gackt's eyes were unfocused and he seemed completely out of it, completely crazy, as if the sadness wiped out his mind totally, as if the tears flowing freely down his cheeks washed away every bit of rationality he had left. Then, Gackt whispered, his voice hoarse: "I can't... I can't go on without him, Masa... I can't go on..." And I broke down to tears finally, because until this moment I held back a lot, trying to support Gackt and trying to support myself, because I knew that once I started crying, I wouldn't be able to stop for a long time. So I cried with Gackt and one of my hands came to rest on his hand still digging his fingers into the dirt, making him stop. And we kneeled on the wet ground and cried, and I heard reporters going crazy behind us, I heard Juken and You yelling at them to get the fuck out of here and let us mourn and let him rest in peace, and I heard You's voice break too.

Ahh... that was by far the saddest dream I had in a while... but it was also a great dream, well... it was about Gacktjob, so it must have been great :) Ok, I'm going to eat breakfast, because I wrote here first thing in the morning, so I won't forget the dream XD (I think I won't forget for a long time... at least the sadness I felt inside the dream is gone and I can enjoy the feeling a bit more...) XD Bye and have a nice day XD